Numb Those Keys Or Buckle Up

There’s such a thing as texting etiquette. Maybe most people do not know, or maybe they find it easier to pretend such don't exist. But that, in no way, makes texting etiquette less real or less useful. 

It has already been established that texts can be quite deceptive. Who established that? Common sense in collaboration with experience, did. That is why texting should be left for very informal or casual talks. If one must be misunderstood, let it at least be on something casual or in an informal setting. Any serious thing requires that you call, or meet up with someone, physically. If you must reach out via text, do it well. Communicate. I didn’t say complicate, y'all. ‘Communicate’. Say it one more time – co-mmu-ni-cate. 

Both look alike, and even sound alike, but are completely different. The eleven-lettered sweetheart, is the bane of healthy relationships, while the other, though with one less letter, adds to already existing problems in relationships. Where there is harmony, it recruits its foot soldiers to create a century's worth of gbas gbos.  

Communication. You don’t have to be a pro at this, but you can at least be good at it. Remember, in communication, the key is to listen [or read] to understand, and not solely, to reply. 

There are so many texting etiquette, but I’ll talk about the most important ones. Chances are, if you get these ones right, others won't elude you.

Gentle humans, shall we begin?

   

1. Never initiate a chat [or conversation] because you feel lonely or bored. The feeling the person on other end gets, is similar to that which one is likely to get when someone keeps ‘flashing’ and goes on to cut calls abruptly, once a voice is heard. In this clime, they are known as 'chronic flashers' [the dictionary definition of 'flasher' is hilarious, by the way. Employ the 'Nigerian' understanding of it here, please]. 

When you break this etiquette, you come off as needy. You’re indeed, needy. You might even have done it to prove to yourself and to those you’ve decided to chat up, how unneedy you are. The opposite of your thoughts, is usually the message passed across, loud and clear. 

-You want attention from a particular source, but you won’t get it, so, you initiate chats and then proceed to act like someone whose phone fell into water, just to feel less inadequate.-  

Well, that reeks of neediness.

2. Do not text someone concerning very important things. Give that person a call instead, or better still, meet up with him or her. You can fix a time to meet up via text. Avoid discussing important issues via text. Things can go sideways really fast, if you do. You might end up exacerbating something that might have been simple to resolve through phone call, or a meetup. 

Also, if you’re chatting with someone, and the need to call comes up, ask for permission first, even more so, if it’s a video call you want. Sneaking up on someone just like that is utter invasion of privacy. Similarly, do not return a phone call with text, especially if you are aware it's an emergency. Texts aren't likely to serve the same urgent purpose phone calls serve, in an emergency.

3. Who are you? 

When texting someone who may likely not have your number saved, and might consider you a stranger, introduce yourself properly. Don’t just type 'Hello' and expect the recipient to guess. Some even go ahead to add the nothing ‘it's me'. Alright then, let's unravel you, as the puzzle you are.

Puzzle: 'Hello, it’s me'

Oliver: You? Who? Adele?

The person you’re texting may not be patient enough for all that drama. Save you both the wahala, by introducing yourself straight up.

State your name, and even better, add anything that might make the recipient recall who you are, if you think they should have a cause to. In a formal setting, you could even state your purpose for reaching out, right away. Too much huh? You just got started. Relax.

3. A word is not enough. Unless you want to make it clear that you are tired of a chat, and therefore, would want to end it or, your reply is appropriate for the circumstance [for instance, when you’re replying to a word text], one word replies can be counterproductive. Always try to match text lengths. If you’re chatting with someone, and they take their time to give you a detailed reply, reciprocate. Texts should however, not be too long. Which brings me to the next point.

4. Do not bore people with long, uninteresting texts. Keep 'em short, and straight to the point. If it must be long, let it at least be worth spending time on. Let the person on the other end enjoy it, not suffer through it. It’s difficult for a lot of people out there already. Would you really want to be the champ that makes it more difficult, by being a bad texter?

5. Know when to end a conversation. Do not leave chats hanging. Do not also keep on dragging a dead-end conversation. Know when a conversation has achieved its purpose, or has been watered down. If it’s no longer beneficial or fun, end it. Be polite while at it. 

6. Get your grammar, spellings and punctuations right. Oya, be calming down. I didn’t say you should go and get a degree in the English Language. Just be good at basic grammar, and fingers crossed, you'll be fine. 

For spellings, yes, there's auto correct. But be careful with that dude; he can mess things up really quick. If you've ever been to the field where auto correct performed, you'd agree with me that it is bloodier than a ditch where ten lion cubs just finished feasting on a rhinoceros. 

Wrong spellings and/or punctuations can sometimes change the meanings of statements, entirely. You don't want to be auto correct's victim of circumstance, in which case you'd wish it were your bits and pieces lying balmy in the cute baby lions' bellies, and not the rhino's. 

About grammatical blunders; they are a great turnoff, especially if you let it slip into the end of someone you’re romantically interested in, and may even be planning to ask out or, someone you’re already involved with. About the latter though, not so much, because, if someone could be won over amidst the bad grammar, that person could as well live with it. 

So, before we lose track of the point -  Instead of typing an epistle ridden with grammatical errors, use a few words to avoid them as much as you can. Please, don’t be that guy sending:

'Good pm, am Jack'

- to her. Apart from Good Jack, everything is wrong with that sentence. Dear Lord.

7. Using all caps is also poor text etiquette. To emphasize, put in italics, use an exclamation mark, or put the letters in bold. Your every sentence can't possibly be a title. If that's the case, please at least, introduce some variety, since you have chosen to author titles in people's chat zones. The feeling writing in all caps gives to the recipient, can be likened to the feeling one gets, when a torchlight is shone directly to one's eyes. Staap it!

8. Do not begin a chat when you’re busy. If your phone wasn’t snatched from you immediately you finished typing and sending that text [What's that face? Gotta consider all options that could birth such irrationality, yeah], then you should try to keep up, and reply promptly. With the power situation in this clime in mind, if your battery is running low, do not begin a chat, if you have already, end it or send - 'We'll talk later' - if you are interested in continuing the conversation later. It is not absolutely necessary, but you could also give your reasons for running off, in a few words. If your phone goes off on you in the process of explaining, well, I did warn you.

Replying within twenty-four hours [serial killer precision, huh?] is okay, even better, with an apology. Unless of course, you’re keeping scores and trying to outdo each other in the marshmallow that is lazy texting. Anything more than two days, your chat session should already be in the bin, with grandma’s old veggies. Old things have passed away. Moving forward.

9. Avoid being a psycho. No offence to psychopaths, y’all deserve better.

Do not get so angry to the extent of lashing out via text. If you’re at the receiving end of such show of immaturity, hold off on replying. If you have no love for the psycho, you could also take it up a notch, by blocking and deleting his or her number. Do not underrate sanity and peace of mind. Somebody that can get so angry over text, to the point of cussing you out, is really not worth keeping in contact with. 

10. Feel free to return the favour when you notice your number has been blocked by someone. Although it might take some time noticing when someone blocks your number, especially if you have many contacts on a particular texting platform, when you do notice someone has blocked your number, it won’t be inappropriate if you block that person's number too. Blocking means that he or she doesn’t want to keep in contact with you anymore. Respect that.

11. Do not make rash decisions over text. Unless you’re insane [posh word for mad], do not block, unblock, block, unblock someone's number. Make sure you have a good reason for letting go of someone before you block him or her, and when you do block someone, keep it that way. The inconsistency of blocking and unblocking reminds me of this meme:

That's for the people that notice the instability. Or, the performer might just be both dancer and drummer. The circus is ever ready, open-armed, for such clownery.

The vicious cycle of blocking and unblocking and...., may suggest the hoodlum is madly in love with this person, with emphasis on the 'madly', and 'in love', just a whisper.              Even Gotham's Penguin houses more stability.

Blocking is enough to be a major topic on its own. We'll talk more on blocking later.

12. Do not use emoji excessively. Emoji are good, they make texts colourful, to a significant extent. However, when they are used in excess, meanings get lost in them. When someone sends you words, send them words too. An emoji reply usually puts across the message: ‘End of conversation’, clearly. Unless you’re really smitten with someone, if he or she replies to your words with an emoji, and nothing else, end the chat by not replying, or simply reciprocate by sending an emoji, nothing else. 

Also, in the professional or formal realm, it’s best to avoid using emoji as much as possible. Too many of them litter conversations. They could be considered as noise, disruptive to communication. The virtual environment created by such, makes it extremely difficult for intelligent conversations to bloom.

Scary, to say the least, and the champ is even looking for more babies to send. Clearly, the ones already used aren't enough. I bet the dude on the other end of this already has 'I worry about your mental health G', typed, and ready to send.

13. Use voice notes sparingly. Too many voice notes in one chat session makes me wonder why a phonecall won't just be less stressful and less dramatic. Yes. Recording, when it's not like you're an artiste working in the studio, is dramatic. Unless that audio is enough to give Alessia Cara a run for her money, hold it right there. Uggh!

14. Avoid giving one word replies. Unless, of course, you want to make it clear to the person at the other end that you want to end the chat. I have talked about this before. Maybe this rule is just so important, it crossed my mind twice. 

When chatting with someone, try to be real. It can be exhausting; thoroughly relating what you feel, like you were having that conversation with the other person right next to you, but, try. Unless you consider someone a pest or an enemy [why a pest or an enemy would make it to your contact list and stay, is left for debate between your values and your secret desires], replying to a lengthy text with the bee-like 'hmm' is awful, easily pardonable only on one condition: you become a bee.

Gotta give it up for this pro for the three-worded third reply. Typing a-l-l that must have consumed a lot of time.

15. Minimize your use of abbreviations. I know, texting should be fun and as short as can be, but frequent use of abbreviations might come across like you’re not putting some thoughts or efforts into the conversation. 

Also, make sure you use the right abbreviations for particular instances, that is, if you choose to use abbreviations, anyway. Don’t be that person that forms abbreviations out of nowhere. If you must use abbreviations, use widely known ones. But, just know that you simply cannot WULLNP and HBD yourself into people’s lives. If you want to warm your way into someone’s heart, especially one with set standards, you have to do better than that.

16. Watch it, Your Royal Sarcastic Majesty. Sarcasm and other literary terms help spice up conversations a great deal, especially when the person you're firing at, fires back in equal or even greater measures. But, things can easily be misunderstood over text. Also, generally, text aside, not everyone understands or appreciates literary terms. One would have to understand first, before being able to return the favour. If you find someone like this [someone who understands you and reciprocates], hold the chap close, that ain't easy to come by. Be careful whom you practice your literary prowess on, not everyone understands or enjoys it. The wrong text to someone dear, can ruin dear relationships. Also, for your own good, avoid sarcasm in formal settings. For your own good.

17. If what a text says confuses you in any way, seek clarification next. If you’re confused by what someone close to you said over text, call for clarification. Emotions can be hidden in between lines of text, they can easily get lost in the typed words and all those in-your-face emoji. Yes, ironically, emoji, which are supposed to be used in expressing emotions better, numb them. A good number of times, texts mask feelings. Texting further, when you’re confused during a chat session, without fully understanding the situation of things, can complicate issues. It’s more appropriate to ask first, via text of course, before calling. I already explained why. Replying or reacting to a text with an abrupt call might not go down well with the recipient.                                                    

If you  choose to seek clarification over text, it's okay. The important thing is to seek clarification, without further ado.

18. Do not ask someone out, via text. This is similar to discussing very important things via text. Unless you’re the type that'll feel comfortable being broken up with [dumped] via text. Ouch!

19. Do not send broadcast messages [spam, adverts, promotional messages] to someone's personal space, unless the request was made. Look for other ways to reach out to as much people as you can, without carelessly forwarding messages [especially the unverified ones]. Someone that might have been interested in whatever it is you are putting out there, would most likely lose interest if the information comes as a broadcast message. I consider broadcast messages as litter. Please, do not litter my chat zone with them.

20. Think your replies through, and double-check before sending texts across. Read through the text[s] and double-check to make sure you have selected the right contact to send to. Be wary. Let your project supervisor not be met with the: 'Guy, you be idiot' message, very early on a Tuesday morning. Because, in Burna Boy's voice- yawa dey oh. 

For the chronic cheaters, you know, the ones with the multiple 'My Hearts' and 'Sweethearts' saved [Exactly how many hearts is one person allowed to have? Isn’t the heart just meant to pump blood? Also I worry about the sugar content of such heart], take this etiquette very seriously. A mistake from your end might likely generate more chaos than that in the Fuji House of Commotion. 

What if I am lucky enough to delete the message before it's opened?

Think again. An App like WhatsApp, that announces when a message is deleted, disagrees with you. The message deleted left in place of the initial mistake is another mistake. That announcement leaves plenty room for assumptions, and quite frankly, could be more embarrassing than what was deleted. Just avoid having to worry about something like this, double-check.

I hope the superhuman with the five sweethearts gets caught eventually. Eventually. But just before that, to keep your head above the water, double-check.

21. Hey, drop that phone and breath. Do not text continuously while you’re supposed to be having real-life conversations with people. It is very rude. If you're supposed to be spending some 'you and me' time with someone, and this person ends up having a 'me and my phone time' instead, you wouldn't feel so good about it, would you? Exactly. So, don't do it. If you can't take a punch, then, don't give a punch. Do not ruin important relationships by dropping and stepping on the manners I'd like to assume you have. 

This isn’t directly a texting rule, but a conversation etiquette, in general. Which brings me to 22-  

22. Stay focused en route. You can call this one ‘life etiquette’ or whatever, but, I'd rather call it common sense. Sadly a lot of people seem to be missing it. Do not text while walking on the road or worse still, while driving. Do not. Do not. That should be enough emphasis. Do not. It takes being alive, to text. Texting on the wheel? That might just be your last chat.

Later has come, as promised in point 11. You could title this - 'Special Topics in Blocking' if you so wish. There’s still a lot left untouched, on the topic. Consider blocking that topic in a book, with several sub topics. E no dey finish.

So, still on blocking:

What line would someone cross, to make the 'block list' or to make it out of the contact list, entirely? 

Well, it all depends on one’s level of tolerance for crap.

I once deleted someone's number, for initiating a conversation with me, and proceeding to act uninterested. No, I didn't block the number first. The situation didn't merit that. Ada [pseudonym by the way] would just be met with the: 'Who is this?' awkwardness, if she ever decides to text me again.

So, here is how I, somewhere in the middle of absolutely crap-intolerant and footmat-type-of-treatment-tolerant, operate:

When I-

• Delete someone’s number from my social media contact list, only: This means that that person is relatively important to me- for phone calls, not chats. I’m still keeping that number in my phone’s main contact list, because, you just never know.

• Delete someone’s number from both the main and social media contact lists: For an offence like; starting a conversation and then proceeding to act uninterested. I have no interest in needy people like that. 

• Block number on both my social media and main contact lists, before also deleting it on both: For when someone threatens or insults me. Also applied when someone shares a vile content with me. Generally, for an unpardonable offense. This 'block' goes beyond the virtual world, and applies in real life. It might be difficult to breath in your direction. So, if you see me, look the other way.

…..

I rarely block numbers on social media, without deleting them from at least, my social media contact list. So, when I block someone on WhatsApp, for instance, and still leave our chats, holding back on deleting the number and all its memories, I must really like that person. 

Again, when I block and delete someone’s number on social media, I go to my main contact list, and do same. But sometimes, I forget to block it first, before finally deleting from my main contact list. That leaves the champ, able to rare its head again, yeah. Good, because this time, even distraction from the euphoric coffee won’t make me forget to hit that block button. Coffee is the best, by the way. 

Contrary to what you may think, none of them [blocking and/or deleting] takes much time. Just a few seconds, and you’re done, your peace of mind back, if it was taken away from you in the first place. With the space freed up, more fresh air for you. How about that?

Also, contrary to what the experiences shared may suggest, I do not chat with a lot of people. I mean, I may chat regularly, but not with so many people. I chat frequently with a few people. The few consistent ones. These chats are usually worth spending time on, for me. I end useless chats, even before they begin. 

Here are some conversation killers [even more damaging, when used alone]:

1. Lolzzz/Lol./LOL.: Really, What’s amusing this one? What’s the full stop for? You choked while laughing? Dude even had the guts to put it in small letters: lol. Really? To me, that’s not even an abbreviation for anything, it’s a word -  'lol'. A meaningless one. Each time I see it, I pronounce it as 'lull' in my head. Goofy right? Even more goofy is the person sending that. Lolzzz is in the same category with lol, but it's slightly worse. This is what I imagine the sender means: 😴

Go on, laugh yourself to sleep.

2. Ha/haha: You’re really laughing, aren’t you?. This is appropriate for passing across the message,: ‘I don’t think you’re funny’ to someone without literally stating it. When you actually find something funny, this is inappropriate. It is simply half-hearted. The laugh-cry emoji works here. Or, you can increase the syllables to three, at least. You can hang your clothes, but not your laughter. It is inappropriate and cynical, and only acceptable if you're playing the role of a joker in one of Steven King's masterpieces.

3. Hmm: Head to the beehive already!

4. K:  Allow me to borrow from the appropriate replies for this, from the internet. I remember coming across:

K- Kiss my arse.

K- LMNO

Apt. Kudos to whoever came up with those. If we ever met, I'd shake you with both hands.

Even if it must be one letter reply, make it 'I' and not 'K'. 'I' appears to be the only letter that can stand on its own and make meaning, somewhat. If you must do it, let it be done in style at least. All that time not constructing a valid sentence saved you, shouldn't be in vain.

4. Good pm/am: Belongs to the same group with 'sup, xup'. Reminds me of 2go. I’d like to believe you’ve gone past that.

Texting Tips: 

Half of this piece should probably have come as a sequel. But here we are. 

Let’s wrap up, by listing some conversation killers. When used with other words, they might work, but when used alone, they are a no-no. Here we go:

Yeah, wow, okay, OK, yes, no, and a lot more - practically, one-word replies may not be okay. 'May not', because 'Yes' to 'Are you a Republican?', is not inappropriate. Typically, one-word replies are used to end conversations. Using any of them when you’re still interested in chatting with someone, sends across the wrong message. Some even go further by a putting a fullstop right after. Punctuation master. 👍🏽

Videos, pictures, Graphics Interchange Format[s]; GIFs, help spice things up. They shouldn't be used in excess, though. It's called texting for a reason. So, text.

Also, adding exclamation marks, makes a lot of difference, unless of course you're not benefiting from a chat session and would want it to end immediately.

Basically, let the way you text be closest to the way you feel. 

Don't you for a second think I am a perfect texter. All of us dey learn. But some still dey very far, and some never even start.

.....

One might wonder - with all these rules, wouldn’t it just be easier to call instead? Absolutely. But, as complicated as these rules might seem, they’re quite simple to follow. Key: If you’re interested in talking with someone, text how you want to be texted. Let your text communicate your feelings. This brings us back to the beginning- Communication.

Feel free to add yours. 

Photo Credits:

1st photo: elitehotelier.net

2nd: pinterest.com

4th: memegenerator.net

6th: imgflip.com

7th: Payette Forward

8th: AKA Jane Random

9th: Pinterest